A complete unbiased look at the different rugby positions:


The Pack: Eight handsome burly guys whom you`d want to marry your daughter. They are intelligent, elegant, sensitive and sweet. Truly the ideal men.


The Backs: Seven guys who will take advantage of your womenfolk, and all tubular household objects. Often dine on quiche, brie and wine. Regularly take blow dryers on road trips and wear bikini underpants.


Prop: Short but stout, these strapping men support the hooker, but no money ever changes hands and the act is never specifically named.


Hooker: Often identified by a balding spot atop the head, these vertically-challenged but talented men stand between the two props and secure the ball for their team during scrummages.

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Front Row: Without a doubt the manliest men on the pitch. Large, often hairy, beer swilling carnivores that can and will smash anything in their path. Reveling in the violence inherent in the scrum, they are rarely considered "nice" people, and in fact to some they aren`t even considered humans at all. Front rowers tolerate this attitude far and wide because they recognize their role at the top of the food chain and are used to suffering the fools that surround them. Accused by some of simply being dumb, I prefer to think of this group as "open to unconventional ways of thinking."


Locks: Slightly below the front row on the food chain. As with front row players it is inadvisable to put an appendage you wish to keep near this group`s maw when they are in the feeding mode. This group of large, often foul-smelling brutes is also more than willing to relish the finer points of stomping on a fallen opponent`s body and will gleefully recount the tale ad infinitum. While they tend to take the tag "Powerhouse of the Scrum" a little too seriously, they can be useful if inured with the proper hatred of their fellow man. While members of this proud fraternity like to think of themselves as "open to unconventional ways of thinking"- they are usually just dumb.

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Front Row: Without a doubt the manliest men on the pitch. This being clearly evident after having a conversation with this species. Large, often hairy, beer swilling carnivores that can and will smash anything in their path. Masters at the art of the scrum and dark, tight holes, props have the eyesight of a coal miner and are often dazed and confused if found in the open.
Revelling in the violence inherent in the scrum, they are rarely considered "nice" people, and in fact to some they aren't even considered humans at all. Front rowers tolerate this attitude far and wide because they recognize their role at the top of the food chain and are used to suffering the fools that surround them. Accused by some of simply being thick as shit, I prefer to think of this group as "open to unconventional ways of thinking."

AKA: Stumps. Ranked among these hallowed ranks are such ultimately manly men as; Conan the Barbarian, Master Chief, All 300 Spartans and Stanley (from A Street Car Named Desire)

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