Jerry's place in flow of history


Psst! Jerry Collins isn't the first international sportsperson to have a piddle in the middle.


Collins' pre-match patter on Jade Stadium before last Saturday's Bledisloe Cup test against the Wallabies was caught in all its glory, live on television.


OSH must have said "gosh". Some haka composer somewhere is probably penning a press release to explain that Jerry was merely marking his territory in an ancient baptismal ritual.

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But Jerry wasn't ploughing a lone furrow. There's been a steady trickle of people who have been caught short in sport. Cyclists, marathon runners, footballers from all codes, occasionally even coaches, have all answered nature's call.


English distance runner Paula Radcliffe is one of the more famous performers, making use of a gutter 10km from the finish of last year's London marathon. But it didn't stop her winning in record time.


American World Cup football striker Landon Donovan almost sparked a diplomatic incident in Mexico last year when he had a sneaky one on the sideline at a training session in Guadalajara.


French goalkeeper Fabien Barthez famously unfurled pitchside in Turkey at Euro 2000.


Road cyclists have never been slow to let go in a race. When you're in the saddle for six hours or more a stop could be fatal. A race rival might overtake.


And not all racing yachts have holding tanks.


A captain was at the helm in a keenly-contested club championship race in Nelson many moons ago when his for'ard hand begged him to "hove to" because he had to jettison some ballast.


"Can't do it, mate," the skipper replied. "We're in the middle of a tacking duel."


Safely round the top mark in first place, the skipper said to his unusually quiet cobber: "We can stop now, if you like."


"Too late, mate," came the plaintive reply from the poop deck.


Across the ditch Manly prop Don McKinnon caused an uproar when the Brisbane Broncos made their rugby league premiership debut in 1988, sneaking a leak at Lang Park and copping a $1000 fine.


At the time, the Bulldogs' club doctor said a full bladder could be serious for someone in a collision sport "because if you got a hard knock they could rupture it". Ouch.


So the more puritan who seek to castigate Collins should remember he was merely following a time-honoured tradition.


In the pre-war era there was one essential undergarment for male members on the Lancaster Park embankment – a hollowed bicycle tube, tucked into the trousers, for lads who lingered too long at the hotel before kick-off.


Back in the amateur era, players were not permitted to leave the pitch at halftime. Nor could coaches and managers come on with a discreetly-concealed receptacle.


Thus rheumy-eyed rugby hacks remember the fighting French forward of the 1961 tour, Michel Crauste, having a sneaky slash on the field somewhere in New Zealand while his teammates formed a lineout around him. No wonder he was hit about the head by an umbrella-armed woman fan at the South Canterbury match in Timaru.


In the 1970s an All Black forward from south of the Waitaki – who I will refrain from naming on the grounds of cowardice – was often spotted spending a penny during the interval.


Now we hope Jerry's jape is a one-off, not the development of a dirty habit. We always thought Jerry was the Terminator, not the Irrigator. Now he joins Wellington team-mates Ma'a Nonu (of eye-liner infamy) and Chris Masoe (clocked over the noggin with a woman's handbag) as the butt of many gentle jibes.


But one of the best toilet stop stories in New Zealand sport occurred down the other end, as they say in cricket circles. In 1988 almost all the New Zealand side touring India succumbed to a dreaded dose of food poisoning.


The most stoic of the stricken was the Naenae Express, otherwise known as Ewen Chatfield.


Chats was suffering as much as the others but still he strode, manfully, in from a full-length run-up only for a visceral eruption of Vesuvius-like proportions to hit him.


Onlookers swear Chats continued on his way past the bemused non-striker batsman, past the bloke he was meant to be bowling to and down the ground to the exit leading to the dressing rooms and the toilet. As he got to the gate he hurled the ball back for a teammate to complete the over.


Source: Stuff(NZ)